The Ogre's Revenge - A Wheaton/Scalzi Fanfic
Now that the contest is over and winners have been declared we have been encouraged to share our entries in the contest. If you didn’t hear about it here is the gist from the original post on John Scalzi’s Whatever blog:
For the benefit of the Lupus Alliance of America, John Scalzi, Wil Wheaton and Subterranean Press are running a fan fiction contest, in which contestants write a 400 to 2,000 word story describing the picture above.
Please enjoy my first attempt at fan fiction… And don’t judge me too much, it was for charity!
The Ogre’s Revenge
In Which the Servant of the King of Kinternet Saves the Kingdom and Rides a Flying LOL-Cat
by Bill Meeks
Young Wil wasn’t much for pleasantries. Born into servitude to King Leo (the mighty) of the majestic Kingdom of Kinternet he woke up early, went to bed late, and made sure his master’s every whim was satisfied. Whether mending King Leo’s robes, pumping up his royal throne, or feeding the dreaded Lol-cat imprisoned in the deepest depths of the castle, Young Wil was always loyal to his king.
He was a frail thing but sported a potent beard that was the talk of many of the female servants in the castle. Sometimes he feared it might take glory away from the king but he could not bring himself to shave it. His uniform was simple but symbolic. A pair of pale blue shorts to allow him to move freely and an enchanted tunic that was fashioned from the skull-meat of a court jester by the king’s enchantress F’licia after they conquered the nearby kingdom of Beebes. It protected him from falls, tumbles, and other minor accidents.
On this morning, King Leo sat atop his spherical throne staring at his scepter, utterly lost in thought.
“M’lord,” said Wil, “thine posture appears heavy. Thou art mighty, but appear troubled. Might I assist you in some way?”
“Mine troubles are mine own, beloved servant,” answered King Leo, “These shoulders have borne the weight of worlds. They will not break.”
Wil nodded and bowed his head.
“Forgive me, m’lord,” he said.
“Never mind it, Wil. All is forgiven. Can thou fetch me mine noontime meal?”
“At once, your majesty!”
With that, Wil was off to the kitchen to fetch the royal artichoke salad for his master. He took it from the grand wooden table and ran as fast as he could back to the throne room. As he stepped back through the grand marble doors he could not believe his eyes. King Leo was gone, his throne popped and impotently lying next to the window that stood over the great Kinternet Canyon. King Leo was gone!
Wil stood there for a moment, staring. Suddenly, he heard a large crash. He was in such disbelief that it took him a moment to realize that he had dropped and broken the royal salad bowl. On a normal day he would have been horrified to break the 1000-year-old, jewel-encrusted treasure. But this was no ordinary day, and even though he was in shock he still had a duty to his King.
He ran through the halls of the castle looking for the enchantress F’licia. He found her in the courtyard staring into her mystical mirror. She noticed him and quickly waved and her hand over the mirror causing the image of an epic war to disappear.
“Wil,” she snapped, her eyes filled with fury, “What are you doing here? I am keeping watch over our armies as they battle in a distant land and cannot afford to be interrupted!”
“Pardon, m’lady, but we have more serious concerns at the moment. King Leo has been taken… or he jumped into the canyon… or something!”
“The time has finally arrived,” said F’licia, “we must prepare you at once!”
“Arrived?” asked Will. What had arrived? Prepare him? He feared his one hope for finding the King might be drunk or mad or both.
“The King and I have known this day was coming. This is the day the ogre Scalzi has made his play for our fair kingdom.”
Wil knew the legend of Scalzi the Ogre well. It was told in to children across Kinternet whenever they misbehaved. The land the kingdom was built on supposedly was once known as Eyohel and ruled over by Scalzi. It had been taken from the ogres and Scalzi had been banished to the depths of Kinternet Canyon. It was said he fed on bad children and would abscond with them in the night. Wil always thought these were simply legends. Now he wasn’t so sure.
“But Scalzi would surely be dead by now,” said Wil.
“Ogres can live quite a long time,” said F’licia, “and hold a grudge for twice as long. It appears he has finally decided to enact his revenge.”
“You said you must prepare me? What did you mean?”
F’licia took Wil’s beard in her hands and stared into his eyes.
“Simple, simple Wil. This is the quest you were bred for. Why else do you think King Leo would have trusted you with that most valuable Jester’s tunic? Why would he allow you to grow a beard so… grandiose? Like every servant to the king before you, you true function was never to serve the king… It was to save him!”
Wil could scarcely believe it. Him, the savior of the king? He had never cleaned a weapon, let alone used one.
“I’m sorry, m’lady,” Wil said, “I think we need to try something a little less… dangerous.”
“Be quiet,” shouted F’licia, “Follow me as I lead you to your destiny!”
Wil, as always, did as he was told.
Wil stood at the door of the enchantress’s chamber as she rummaged through an old wooden chest. She pulled out weapons and animals and bits of cloth, and after a moment Wil wondered how she was able to fit so much in such a small chest… perhaps it was bigger on the inside?
“I’ve found it,” F’licia said as she pulled a spear that was easily twice as long as Wil was tall, “This spear was enchanted by my ancestor and used millennia ago to banish the Ogres from our burgeoning kingdom. Your tunic and beard shall protect you, and this will deliver the killing blow.”
“I am no soldier, m’lady,” Wil said.
“You needn’t be. Enchantments I’ve placed upon you link you to the spear. Simply take it with you and it will find its target true.”
Wil took the spear in his hand. At once it felt comfortable, as easy to wield as the mop and broom he used to tidy throne room.
“But how shall I reach King Leo? The canyon is very deep and very dark and very dangerous, but I am but a man.”
“Worry not! Now Go to your quarters and prepare! Meet me in the courtyard in an hour and all will be answered.”
An hour later Wil entered the courtyard. It was empty save for the king’s pet Flying Spaghetti Monster who was resting underneath an apple tree. Wil sat on a bench and waited.
Suddenly there was a loud MEEEEOOOOOWWW from the sky. Wil looked upward and saw the lady F’licia atop the dreaded Lol-cat soaring through the sky. The Lol-cat had the body of a kitten, the wings of an eagle, the horn of a unicorn, and the deadliness of something very deadly indeed. Wil had always feared it, and dove under the bench as it landed in the courtyard.
“How now? Our kingdom’s only hope hiding in fear? Wil,” F’licia said as she dismounted, “I think it behooves us both to leave this out of our telling of the tale when we are done.”
Wil climbed out from under the bench. He approached the Lol-cat cautiously. To Wil’s surprise the Lol-cat kneeled and bowed it’s head.
“Thou art the Lol-cat’s true master, Wil,” said F’licia,” He will do as you command. You will ride him to the bottom of the canyon where you will find the ogre and defeat him. Your destiny awaits.”
Wil gulped in a breath and climbed atop the beast. It let out a gentle PUUUURRRRR as it stood and spread it’s wings.
“To victory, Wil!” said F’licia.
Wil raised the spear over his head.
“To victory!” he yelled. The Lol-cat lurched into the sky, circled the castle, and descended into the canyon.
The farther they flew the darker it became. Wil looked up to the top of the canyon, which at this distance appeared as a tiny sky-blue dot.
“Faster, Lol-cat,” Wil commanded, “we may already be too late!”
The Lol-cat doubled it’s speed and in a moment Wil could see the dull glow of a fire and a small cottage. The Lol-Cat alighted near the fire and snarled towards the building.
“Scalzi the Ogre,” Wil shouted, “release our king at once or today shall be your last!”
Scalzi exited the cottage. A small, green, goateed ugly thing. He wielded a mace and a giant wooden shield.
“Who dares enter my camp?” asked the ogre.
“Tis I,” said Wil, “the king’s humble servant, here to save the king and end your mad quest to destroy our wondrous kingdom.”
“T’was mine first, child, and it shall be again. Now be gone, or else I shall have two dinners tonight!”
“Fat chance, ogre! Lol-cat, attack!”
The Lol-cat launched into the air and aimed for the ogre. Scalzi leapt in the, swinging the mace over his head and landing a crusher of a blow into Wil’s chest. Luckily, the Jester’s tunic absorbed the blow. Wil guided the Lol-cat back around and rushed back towards the ogre.
“Eat spear, Scalzi!” Wil screamed as he chucked the weapon towards the monster. It stuck in his chest, slowing his charge until finally the ogre fell to the ground.
“It’s not possible,” Scalzi whispered. “If only I had used the bacon on that cursed cat!”
The ogre’s breathing slowed as Wil leapt off the Lol-cat and approached it.
“Dare I say, Ogre, you’ve been beaten by Wheaton!”
Scalzi coughed up a little blood as he groaned “What… ev… er….” and his body fell lifeless to the ground.
Back at the castle, King Leo stood looking out the window into the canyon as Wil pumped up his replacement throne.
“Finish your task and leave me, servant,” he said, “I am in need of rest after our ordeal.”
“Of course, your majesty,” Wil said.
Wil placed the throne back in it’s place and strolled towards the exit. As he reached the door he turned back to the king.
“Yes,” said King Leo, “what is it, servant?”
“I enjoyed our adventure together.”
The King looked Wil up and down with a serious expression. For a moment Wil thought he might have offended the king. He needn’t have worried. King Leo’s frown flipped into a smile and he said the thing Wil most wanted to hear.
“So did I.”